“Mom? I want to tell you something. But you have to promise that you won’t tell anyone, Mom!”
“Sure honey, what do you want to tell me?”
“Mary says that she slept with her boyfriend, Mom!”
I didn’t know what to say. My daughter and her friend are 12, and I was seriously shocked. I had never thought that friends of my daughter would be so premature. I thought I still had time enough to prepare her for her dating life. I feel blessed that we talk about boyfriends and sex, because I know it is not so easy in many cases.
One thing I have really worked on hard, is to keep the communication open between my daughter and me. I also know how easy it is to ruin all the hard work in one sentence, so I am very careful in how I react to her.
But I have to admit, that I did have a strong emotional reaction. I was NOT prepared for this in any way – and I realised that many parents of 12 year olds probably are not.
The most important rule I try to keep is to be authentic. So I decided to tell her about the fact that I was shocked and did not really know how to react. She reacted in a very adult way: “Mom, I understand. I am shocked too.”
I felt relieve, at least she did not think that this was normal.
She went on, “I think she is only saying it to make me jealous, Mom. I mean, 12 is way too young to sleep with a boy. She always tries to make me feel small, and she probably thinks this will make me feel a small child!”
I couldn’t help having a big smile on my face. I felt proud of my daughter and very relieved.
I knew however, that I am not ready with this subject. I have to decide if I talk to the friends’ mother. And I have to take my talks about sex to the next level. It is time to talk about condoms and pills, and ways of having safe sex. But somehow that does not feel right yet. The emotional implications of sex come first, if you ask me. So I started to talk with her about the energetic levels of having sex.
One day we were on a long distance drive, and I started like this: “You know, sweetie, when we talked the other day about Mary and her boyfriend, I didn’t tell you something I would have loved to tell you. You, know, if you sleep with someone, your energy fields get intertwined, and it is not so easy to untangle them, especially for us, women”. She looked at me. “You know, Mom, just as me and Yami (her little dog) are connected with our hearts?”
I nodded. “Exactly like that sweetie. That is what happens. But for boys it is often different, and especially when they are young. So if you sleep with a boy, and you think he really loves you, you could get easily hurt. You know, Mom got hurt a couple of times, even though I did not sleep straight away with new boyfriends. Having to say goodbye to someone you really love, does really hurt..”
“I understand Mom… If we go on a holiday and I have to leave Yami behind, that also hurts…”
I knew I was getting somewhere here.
“You know, sweetie, that is exactly the feeling. So if you fall in love with a boy, just remember this. And for boys, love can sometimes vanish after a couple of days or weeks.. And if you really love each other, there will be plenty of time to make love. Because making love is really different to having sex. And making love is possible only when you really know each other…”
She nodded and started to talk about the new book she was reading, so I knew it was good for now.
I know for sure that there is one important thing I want to keep as a priority: That whatever she tells me, whatever she has done, whatever mistakes she makes – I will listen, I will be open and I will not judge. Because if she keeps talking to me and asking me for my opinion, I can guide her step by step through her adolescence.
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